I miss home :\

I really like college. I really really do. It's great. The life style and being on my own is just what a girl like me needs. I need to be independent and college has given me the opportunity to do so. Yet, despite the good time I am having, I can't help but reminisce... I really miss home.

I miss being in St. George and being surrounded by my family down there. There was something about St. George.. there was this magic it had to it. It will always be my home and nothing will ever really compare. I didn't take advantage of what I had down there. I was always so keen set on getting out of there that I didn't enjoy life as it came. I miss home. And I wish that I could have the opportunity to re-do high school knowing what I know now... but... that's behind me now and I am thankful for all the lessons I learned. They were HARD but... are going to contribute to the woman I am supposed to become.

I've changed. I feel like a different person. Everything is going great. I'm peaceful and content which is more than I have felt in a long time. God has blessed me so much. :)

Lessons Learned :)

Well... unfortunately... I am sad to report that Dan and I broke up. It's over. It's done. Period. It's been a little over three weeks now. I think that is why I haven't written lately. It's just been hard for me to write things down. I just... didn't know what to say.

But now I do.

He has a girlfriend now. Good for him. She's a pretty girl who is good for him. I'm very happy for him. She will give him what I could never give him. Just as there were things that he could have never given me. The point is, it was for the best. I have regrets... I handled the break-up poorly... I said some stupid things... I did some stupid things. And sometimes, although something may be the best option it doesn't make it any easier to accept and it doesn't change the pain that comes from losing someone you care about.

Yeah. There are days where I miss him... there are moments when I want him back. I gave him a lot of my heart, but what is the use in being sad? What is the use of being lonely? I am STILL and will ALWAYS be the luckiest girl in the world. I have a family who loves me, room mates who are PERFECT for me, I'm attending the college of my dreams, and I am heading towards becoming the woman I am supposed to be. What more could I possibly ask for?

College has been stressful. The emotions have been running high. The whole break-up, the theatre department, my future, managing my time, finances, and so much have really put a strain on me. This week has been hard. It didn't help that I was sick this last weekend either. Lately I've realized something though. People have been telling me for a long time the things that I do wrong in relationships and life. I have always been told that my approach to things is wrong. Whether or not you agree with this statement, I have found one thing to be true.

It doesn't matter what they say.

Maybe I do make some mistakes. BUT THAT IS INEVITABLE IN HUMAN NATURE. Some of these so called "mistakes" actually define me as an individual. I have a huge heart. I am honest about how I feel. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I also refuse to let my fear of hurting others stand in the way of telling them the truth regarding how I feel. I ask you...

Is that so wrong?

Yes... I do get hurt....

Yes... I do face a lot of disappointment.

But WHY should I change ALL of my behaviors? (notice I emphasize all because SOME behaviors do need to be changed)

Because I don't want to get hurt? That's not a good enough answer for me.

One day it is those qualities that will make a guy realize that he loves me. I have already seen that happen once before in my life... a long time ago... That ended because he simply was not ready...

Not because I did something wrong.

I am me.

I will make my own choices and I will make my own mistakes. But I refuse to let fear of pain and disappointment stand in the way of creating something amazing or creating something beautiful.

I'm better than that...

In fact... we all are...

So why do we let our fears stand in our way?

P.S. If you ever end up reading this Dan... I want you to know that I am sorry. Treat her well Dan. She deserves it. AND... don't sell yourself short of anything less than what you can become.

Next chapter in my life! HERE I COME! :)